The Sacred Trust of the Break-Room | HumorOutcasts

The Sacred Trust of the Break-Room

November 9, 2017

I love the work break-room.  It has free coffee, a fridge, and a sink I am not responsible for cleaning.  I can also find refuge from my boss and any other person I don’t want to see or talk to while I drink said coffee.

If that weren’t glorious enough, it is also the default location for any and all leftover/free food that travels through the office.  Leftover bagels from morning meetings, muffins, donuts, and all the leftover deserts, appetizers and candy from random gatherings thrown by my co-workers that I didn’t have to attend.  A veritable cornucopia of free deliciousness, and probably the only true win/win situation that comes with my job.

Of course, there is no such thing as the Garden of Eden and this is fully backed up by the behavior of a group of people who continually do dumb shit that guarantees 99% will never be my friends.  They are my beloved co-workers.

These people have absolutely no idea how to eat.  It’s simultaneously incredibly shocking and intensely irritating.  They just go in there, and instead of taking and eating food like a normal person, they perform some kind of half-assed food surgery on anything they can get their greasy hands on.  Pieces and parts of the free bounty of food goodness are dissected faster than an unlucky frog in a 7th grade science class.

I have no idea why, but they refuse to eat an entire bagel in one sitting.  We all know you are going to be back in 10 minutes to eat the rest, and based on what you have done to the cream cheese container, you aren’t cutting back on anything important and might also be into some freaky shit. So for the love of god,  just take the whole thing like a normal person.

Not only that, they don’t even cut the bagel in half. These assholes take the tops off of Everything bagels and leave the plain, hard, shitty bottom for someone else to eat.  What the hell!  What kind of twisted weirdo would do that?  Why would anyone want the sad, barely seasoned bottom of an Everything bagel?  Can you buy the just the top of the bagel at a bagel shop? No, because that is just some sick shit.   I would rather eat the bottom of my shoe than the flavorless remnants of a once great food product. At least it would have some bits of flavor on it.

Proper, though incredibly lame, bagel cut.  You know you want the whole thing, so eat the whole thing.

Too many times have I opened the donut box hoping to see what delicious treat i am going to eat, only to be confronted with the aftermath of the Battle of Gettysburg.  Instead of fried rings of joy, I get a box filed with chopped and smashed random donut parts that are barely suitable for my dog’s  food dish.  Who the hell eats 1/2 or a 1/3 of a donut? If you want a donut, eat one.  Don’t cut the damn thing and leave the rest as a sad reminder of what delicious treat we aren’t going to get to enjoy, you fucking sociopath.

Don’t even get me started about the poor jelly donuts.  Every single one ends up cut in two, with the second half left to die in the box with its delicious guts oozing out all over the table. Who the hell wants to eat the empty second half of a jelly donut?  Maybe Jeffrey Dahmer or some out of shape moron who is “watching their calories this week”, but no one normal, I can tell you that much.

Which brings us to muffins, and anyone who watched Seinfeld knows where this is headed.  That’s right…Muffin Stumps.  They leave muffin stumps behind after pilfering the sweet and tasty top halves of all the muffins.  Some don’t even cut it off, they just leave a damaged muffin top filled with obvious finger holes where they were slowing ripping off chunks of flavor.  I can just picture them standing there, picking away at the muffin like a 5 year old mining for nose gold while they hope no one would come into the room and expose their shame.  They are probably sweaty too, and have bad breath.

So once again work proves that it will never be fun, always work.  Now with my co-workers complicit in the conspiracy, not much else left to do but start hiding laxatives in all the free food.  If I am stuck with these jerks, I might as well enjoy myself.

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog,, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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