Acme Tactical Products Emergency Plan Regarding Pruitt’s Resignation | HumorOutcasts

Acme Tactical Products Emergency Plan Regarding Pruitt’s Resignation

July 11, 2018
By

Dear Marketing Team:
Over the past 18 months, Acme Tactical Products has experienced exponential growth with the attention from former EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt. Now that Pruitt has resigned from his cabinet-level position, Acme anticipates an extensive revenue drop. Our engineers have been working diligently to develop new products with the expected erosion of market share in the tactical pants and collared casual shirt market.

Each of you will receive your individual assignments to drive business for a specific product. As you review your individual assignment, please consider our market demographics. Our customer is a man’s man, or a man’s woman, a member of the NRA, occasionally enjoys a chaw, and loves ‘Merika. The family camper is already ready to bug-out for the mountains, filled with 72 hours’ worth of supplies. Our customers eagerly await each edition of our Acme Tactical Products catalog, as our products develop their own personal safety net.

Following are the products new to our fall catalog.

1. The Tactical Spatula. How many times have our customers complained about dysfunctional cooking tools when on a Bug-Out or spending time in their bunker? The Stock Spatula offers two precision edges to scrape the pan when making Little Mikala’s birthday cake, but also holds a round of .22LR bullets in the handle in case your party is interrupted by pesky government interlopers.

2. The Tactical Athletic Supporter. We all need a little support when playing a rough game of football after work or sitting in an uncomfortable deer stand on a cold November morning. Our new Action Athletic Supporter is made of high-grade bulletproof netting and features a pocket that fits your comfortable pistol. Purchasers can choose right or left leaning.

3. The Tactical Robotic Self-driving Lawn Mower. This product is expected to lead our revenue stream. Our customers would rather be at the shooting range or marching in Charlottesville than dealing with the mundane chores of life. This tactical mower is powered with artificial intelligence and easily programmed to mow the hilliest, difficult lawn. At the same time, the mower offers another level of protection for your home while you are away. Your favorite semi-automatic weapons can be side-mounted easily on the mower’s specially designed holders and programmed to fire at intruders.

4. The tactical litter box. Little Mikala’s kitty can provide a level of safety for your family. The cat box is made of high-grade Crimean polyurethane coated with a substance that reacts in the presence of gunpowder. If your home is under siege by intruders, the chemicals in the litter box will react to the smell of gunpowder and disperse noxious fumes to disable your intruders. (This product is sold in conjunction with the Acme Tactical Family Safety Masks, in sizes from Little Mikala to Me Maw and Papaw).

5. Tactical Socks. Like our tactical pants and tactical collared shirts, our tactical socks will appeal to our rough and tumble customers who enjoy the outdoor lifestyle. The footwear is made from the wool of virgin Siberian sheep but features a pocket at ankle level to hold ammo. Comes in white ankle length or camo colors. A nice companion for the Acme Tactical Gun Ankle Strap.

6. Tactical Tea Kettle. Impress the woman in your life with this stylish and yet functional tea kettle. Comes in Caucasian white, Yankee Doodle blue, and Revolutionary red. If things get a little too steamy in your house, a secret button under the handle disguises a weapon. Pressing the button fires off a round of Jacketed Round Nose Bullets to your target.

7. The Tactical Garden Hose. Growing your own food is important and protecting your vegetable garden is paramount to your safety and security. Our premium Tactical Garden Hose offers three distinct nozzles, including a pressure washer, a watering feature, and a pistol feature. (This is an actual pistol.) The hose easily retracts into a holder that is both practical and stylish, in camo or eagle designs. The hose holder can also function as a drone when used with the hose’s pistol feature, and is programmable to survey the perimeter of our property, and seek out and eliminate trespassers.

8. The Tactical Invisibility Cloak. Modeled after the military’s cloak to hide tanks and other large pieces of equipment on the battlefield, is the Acme Tactical Invisibility Cloak. In times of neighborhood skirmishes or an all-out war with the government, this product can render invisible up to six thousand square feet, covering your home and several outbuildings. Your home generator is the power source for this necessary equipment in these dark times.

In summary, we believe our engineers have captured the heart of our customer. These new products can accelerate our growth for our next fiscal year. We look forward to reading your specific marketing plans.

Sincerely, Management

Amy Abbott

Abbott is syndicated on Senior Wire News Service and writes for newspapers and magazines. She's the author of multiple books, and is currently featured in "Laugh Out Loud," the first anthology of the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop.

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One Response to Acme Tactical Products Emergency Plan Regarding Pruitt’s Resignation

  1. July 11, 2018 at 2:53 pm

    I have to say that tea kettle sounds pretty darn interesting. I think the hose might prove dangerous for me though. Such a funny post!



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