For Those of Us Dumb Enough to Get Married, Here is the Secret to Success | HumorOutcasts

For Those of Us Dumb Enough to Get Married, Here is the Secret to Success

April 26, 2018

My wife and I have been married for 10, 11, or possibly 12 years.  I’m honestly not sure which is correct.  I just know the date, and as a man, that’s the most important fact.  If you don’t have flowers in your hand on that day, don’t bother going home.

We have a very happy existence.  We like to spend time with each other, we like our kid most of the time, and she gives me just enough sex to ensure I maintain a regular tooth brushing regimen.  How do we do it you ask?  Good question, and I’m here to give you the magic answer for free, unlike that phony Dr Phil who will require you to sit on his stage for 60 minutes so he can publicly embarrass you.

You see, all magazines, websites, TV shows, and annoyingly smoochy couples you know will ramble on about how you just have to really enjoy the same things and doing the same stuff.  Within a few minutes of listening to this dreck, it turns into “blah blah blah”  followed by mental images of running them over with your car or both of them having simultaneous parachute failure on their most recent couples sky diving outing.  What they won’t tell you, is that they are actually quite miserable because the opposite is true.  If you both HATE the same things, your marriage will be happy and strong.

Don’t believe me?  Next time you are out to dinner with your wife, look around at all the couples.  90% of them will be sitting in silence staring at their food.  Why?  Because how many times can you talk about how you both love the beach?  Just sitting there, taking turns talking while the other one nods, then realizing there isn’t any  follow up since you agree on everything so you just start chucking french fries in your face praying for a brain aneurysm or a kitchen fire.

Now if you both hate the beach, things change significantly for the better.  The annoying sand that gets into everything and ruins all your sandwiches.  The hot sun blistering your skin, the super annoying young and attractive childless couples laughing and canoodling all over the place.  All these things will be brought up leading to very satisfying tag-team taunting. Everything you both hate about the beach will be brought up, creating fast paced and exciting 3rd-date level conversations.  Before you know it, the dinner starts to heat up.  The drinks begin flowing as you taunt everything and everyone you saw at the rotten beach, especially the good looking childless couple.  I mean, if you aren’t going to have kids why even get married?  And who has that much time to work out?

That’s just one example. There are plenty of others, like watching the Bachelor.  Yup, she makes me watch the Bachelor, but the pure genius of it is, by episode 3 she hates every bachelor and just talks shit about him the whole time.  This is great for me because that’s all I want to do during the 2 painful hours a week the show is on.  Instead of suffering through the show hoping it will end soon, we DVR each episode to ensure that we can maximize the drinking and shit talking by watching it on Friday nights.  That Juan Pablo season was probably the happiest either of us have ever been in our lives.

Now its important to embrace the hate right from the get go. This can’t really be done after the fact, it has to be one of your primary focus points during dating.  So if you are already married and you don’t fit into this profile, probably best to just go ahead and pull the plug and start fresh.  Make up a solid list of things you hate and then bounce them off the next girl you are dating.  Once you find one in common, keep talking about every aspect of it and really dig into the reasons why you hate it so much.  I guarantee she will join in and it will end up being the best date you had in years.  Who knows, a few months of that and you could be well on your way to the happiest marriage in your neighborhood.

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog,, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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2 Responses to For Those of Us Dumb Enough to Get Married, Here is the Secret to Success

  1. April 30, 2018 at 2:59 pm

    LOL, well played

  2. April 27, 2018 at 3:07 am

    When my daughter got married, I said in my speech that the secret to a successful marriage is a long vacation every year. I suggested that she got in June, and he go in August.

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