Hey Amazon, You Can Totally Crash at My Place | HumorOutcasts

Hey Amazon, You Can Totally Crash at My Place

February 7, 2018

So Amazon, I hear you are looking for a new location for a second headquarters. I see there’s a long list of like 20 different cities that want you, but I have to be honest, most of them suck. You should totally crash at my place.

First, we should talk location, and man have I got that covered. I live in San Diego, which in case you haven’t heard, is America’s Finest City. It’s 75 and sunny basically everyday so your employees will have all kinds of outdoor activities to distract them from the low wages and terrible benefits you offer. Also, my house is super close to the freeway giving you for easy access to all things Southern California. Don’t forget, the Mexican border is also only about 30 minutes away, providing easy access to cheap labor, dirt cheap factories and sweat shops, and some of the best uncut cocaine money can buy. If that isn’t a win/win, I don’t know what is.

Lets really get the ball rolling with cost savings.  I mean, at all these other places, you have to build something. Permits, construction, safety insurance, mafia kickbacks, and random shit.  Who the hell needs all that aggravation?  My house is already built so that would save you tons of money in construction, greasing politicians, hiding undocumented laborers, and hired goons to beat the shit out of uppity union leaders.

Now its time to talk amenities. We will start outside in the back, which contains numerous drought resistant plants and is completely surrounded by the finest fences that 1970 had to offer.  It’s all very “green”, which is really important. Ask any hipster from Portland if you don’t believe me.  There is also this:

This is my sweet fire pit. As you can see, it has ample seating for 4 and can be easily expanded with a quick run to Home Depot. There’s one not too far away, which is yet another hidden bonus that you get absolutely free. I know the chairs are plastic but you’d be surprised how comfy they are. Plus the natural lean is perfect for that afternoon power nap. The pit is rated for both Smores and Hot Dogs so you have some real break-time flexibility there. You could have meetings, brainstorming sessions, or you just kick back and soak up the rays. The sweet vibes don’t end there, though. I also have this

A real beauty isn’t it. That’s a gas line fed grill putting out over 1000 BTUs of cooking fury. No need to mess around with clunky propane tanks, this sucker is always ready for action. There is also a convenient stool for any shorter employees you might have.  This is also a good time to mention our family is pretty short so all fixtures in the house are very low to the ground and are already ADA compliant. We wouldn’t want any lawsuits, am I right? I know you also noticed the sweet outdoor fridge, and yes, you could totally put some beers in there.

Now I know employees need more than just some sweet outdoor space.  They need inside goodies to get them through their day, the most important being caffine.  Well fret not because I got that covered as well

BAM!  Look at that sweet piece of machinery.  Not only is that red beauty a hot rod of caffeine power, check out the name on it.  That’s right, Mr Coffee!  Its literally made by the family the drink is named after.  I don’t think you could do any better if you were in Columbia, although you would have access much better cocaine. I simply can’t compete with that. It features regular and strong brew setting along with an automatic timed brewing.

Of course, parking is always a concern, but once again, I have all the covered.

As you can see, my driveway can easily support 3 to 4 moderately sized cars.  It features aged concrete and a small retaining wall.  I realize there are some cracks but they really aren’t very big and give it that real rustic edge people are looking for these days.  My house is also situated on a cul-de-sac that can provide ample free street parking for all your employees. They can even park campers and mobile homes, as long as they move them to the other side of the street every 48hrs.

So as you can see, crashing at my place could be the perfect location for your company’s 2nd US headquarters.  All I would want in return is a mere 2% of all internet transactions.  I know that might seem like a lot, but based on what you assholes are charging on your site for my son’s Lego sets, this will probably all end up as a wash anyway.

I mean look at this shit.  That is just a bucket of random Legos for $150. What the hell?

Anyway, we can work out those details after you get all settled in.  So that’s all I got.  I know it must be exciting seeing such a great option for your new corporate location, so i will give you some space to mull it over. I look forward to hearing from you and can’t wait to become an official member of the Amazon family!

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog, Bitterbeardface.com, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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5 Responses to Hey Amazon, You Can Totally Crash at My Place

  1. February 9, 2018 at 6:48 am

    So, if they accept your offer, can you hire me so I can sit by that firepit? I think your yard fits in splendidly with the Amazon philosophy of keeping employees happy. When do I interview?

    • February 9, 2018 at 2:15 pm

      I will keep you posted. I will probably need some type of smores consultant

  2. February 8, 2018 at 12:46 am

    Well, they sure wouldn’t fit in my spare bedroom.

  3. February 7, 2018 at 11:50 am

    Dear Mr. Salinard,

    We accept your offer. We were right in the middle of securing a location in New Jersey, but it’s icy and cold as hell here. We’re on our way to sunny San Diego. Sorry, you’ll have to pay the Lego fee, but we can offer you free shipping if you want to send it off to one of your son’s cousins or donate it to a third world country. I’m sure some kids overseas could find a way to melt them down and use them as insulation in their huts.

    We’re on our way so keep that coffee pot warm!

    Jeff Bezos and The Amazon Team

    • February 7, 2018 at 11:57 am

      Sweet, I can’t wait. Do I get free overnight shipping now?

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