When I was a newspaper reporter, I worked the horseshit beat. I am not making this up. When the managing editor assigned me the beat he said, “Congrats! You get the horseshit beat.” To the […]
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Don’t worry guys, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is still legal when it comes to herpes.
I’m suing Netflix for changing its name to Qwikster. That’s what all the girls in college used to call me.
If you went to a community college, my first question to you is when is my latte going to be ready?
I won’t lie. I like porno. For me, it’s a whole ordeal. I actually get excited about seeing it, in much the same way that two long-distance lovers might get excited about seeing each other, […]
A friend informed me that the Tea Party will sweep the next elections. Although my friend never calls an election correctly, I thought I should make arrangements for this apocalyptic event on the outside chance […]
So, listen. I’ve been standing in this line for 15 minutes waiting for my double shot, non-fat, no-foam, peppermint, half-caf, 200 degree latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. And, what I don’t think […]
I’m thinking about buying the $68 Louis Vuitton condom, and a matching wallet it can stay in for 10 years. Seriously though, I’d only buy the Louis Vuitton condom to go with my pubic […]
Recently, two women asked me to explain football to them. It seems their boss is hosting a football party and they do not want to look “stupid” when watching the game. The women have been […]