Unicorn Bites 12/25/13
I overheard my 3-year-old say, “I love your mustache.” When we got home I gave her ice cream because she said it to my mother-in-law. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013 Divorce […]
Why During Christmas, You Never Forget Your Fire Department
Unfortunately, this is the true tale of the fire in my kitchen this past weekend. Please sing to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas. Don’t worry, I counted only to Five. I don’t want […]
Happy Christmas everyone and may Bon Jovi never pollute your airwaves again.
Nicky was told he would never find work because of his tattoos.
Unicorn Bites 12/24/13
Me: I hate taking orders. Wife: What if I order you to take a nap? Me: *has an existential crisis* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2013 I show people I love them […]
Changing Rhyme Schemes, or: The not so perfect Christmas poem
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK T ’was the week before Christmas, and I have to admit: I wasn’t feeling the spirit; not one little bit. The stockings weren’t hung, I didn’t know where they […]
This Holiday Season, Don’t Forget Those In Music Prisons
I step up to the register at Fred Meyers, clutching my copy of Elvis Presley: It’s Christmas Time. I’m well aware of how fortunate I am. Eager shoppers have decimated the once-bulging stack of Christmas […]
No Actors were used in the filming of this.
I have this massively inflated opinion of myself. In my head, I’m the ruler of 17 Eastern European countries, I print my own money and am never wrong. In reality, I am only the ruler […]
Unicorn Bites 12/23/13
Me: What do you want for Christmas? My brother: Pants. I don’t care what kind. Me: *buys him assless chaps* — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013 Me: If I eat another bite, […]
The Effect of Great Music
I love the way great music makes you drink a bottle of whiskey, divorce your cousin and think about putting some clothes on.