Unicorn Bites 9/20/14
I don’t care what the vet says. If your dog weighs less than 10 pounds, it’s a cat. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2014 4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you make milk for the baby? […]
I don’t care what the vet says. If your dog weighs less than 10 pounds, it’s a cat. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 20, 2014 4-year-old daughter: Why don’t you make milk for the baby? […]
The US Government plans to announce a multi-trillion dollar program to combat climate change during this week’s world summit at the United Nations. According to Washington insiders, the plan will show the world that the […]
Persuading Jill Y to go out on a date with me wasn’t easy. I hit her with my best chat-up lines about shepherds, Lego and even poetry about the thoughts of a professional golfer in […]
I don’t know why I don’t like penguins but I know, I don’t like them. Our fish died and I didn’t know how to tell my girlfriend. It’s times like these, you learn to get […]
The National Bureau of Climate Omen Readers has issued a warning that this winter will be the most severe on record. “The signs are unmistakable,” said Dr. Stan Cumulus, Director of the Bureau. “Temperatures will […]
When I have time to think, I think thoughts. When I think thoughts, I make monumental mistakes of mammoth proportions. When I make monumental mistakes of mammoth proportions, I think of Alex (recently single) and it makes […]
A drug dealer in Tennessee is behind bars because of a confession he voluntarily made to the police—well, sort of voluntarily. This is his tale of woe. The alleged criminal was driving merrily in his […]
My 4-year-old and 2-year-old just clinked their plastic cereal bowls together and said, “Cheers.” My kids are classy as fuck. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 15, 2014 Me: Clean your room. 4-year-old: Me: What’s wrong […]