Unicorn Bites 4/23/14
Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2014 Teenager: How fast were […]
Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO! — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2014 Teenager: How fast were […]
Many ask the Bill Y how he knows so much about the financial acumen of the ladies of the night and it’s a valid question, if ever there was one. A question like this demands […]
A 1950s-60s Catholic school upbringing is like Superglue. It really sticks. (Sister Adolfa, wherever you are, please notice my clever use of simile. … Yes, Str, I know the difference between a simile and a […]
“Never give up.”–someone who wants you to waste your life at something you’re bad at — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *takes a bath* *spits* Me: Don’t spit in the tub. 3: […]
Imagine my surprise when I saw myself in this ad. I really thought this was behind me. I got bagged running out of a store with hundreds of Twinkies stuffed down my shirt. Which was […]
It’s weird how when a woman says, “It’s up to you, honey,” it sounds exactly like “Read my mind or die, motherfucker.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2014 The worst places of no return: […]
National elections are closing in. So it’s time for politicians to try to connect by relating all the struggles they’ve overcome. So here’s what I’d love to see. I’d give anything to have a candidate […]
3-year-old: Can we do this? Me: What did Mommy say? 3: No Me: Then why would I say yes? 3: Because she’s not the boss of you Checkmate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014 […]
Jill Y and I were talking. For those not familiar with this concept, it involves having a conversation with someone without text or email. I realize that this might sound radical but it is possible […]
Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife: […]