Unicorn Bites 10/27/13
I’ve never hung up garlic to ward off vampires, but I’ve been known to leave beef jerky lying around to scare away vegans. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013 Me: “Did you […]
Tag: marriage
Unicorn Bites 10/1/13
Me: “There’s something in my shoe.” My wife: “What is it?” Me: “My foot.” I’m as amazed as anyone that she occasionally has sex with me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 1, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 9/29/13
I envy kids in highchairs. I want to eat something so intensely I have to be strapped in. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 29, 2013 Police shouldn’t use dogs. There are other trainable, […]
The No-Good Old Days
If any old fogeys end up reading this, I have one request: please don’t hurt me. Now that I got that out of the way, I will shoot off my big mouth, as always. You […]
Unicorn Bites 9/21/13
Marriage: because it’s too much work to ruin your life all by yourself — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013 I never run from my problems. I drive away from them because fuck […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/13
My 1 y.o. threw a fit in front of the fridge. I nudged her aside w/ my foot so I could get a beer. That concludes my parenting for the day. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 9/10/13
When I tell my wife, “I’m going to take you out,” she never knows if I mean, “on a date” or “with a sniper rifle.” I keep her on her toes. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 9/9/13
In my 3-year-old’s dollhouse, a naked woman, a naked boy, and a tiger are all in the same bed. I assume alcohol was involved. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013 My wife:“Put […]
Unicorn Bites 9/7/13
My wife isn’t ashamed to admit she’s married. She just pretends it’s to someone else. Her parents still think I’m her gardener. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013 A female coworker with […]
Regrets Regarding the Alec Baldwin Paparazzi Incident
My only regret about Alec Baldwin’s latest confrontation with the paparazzi, is that I wish Baldwin had been wearing calf length black nylon socks with his short pants in order to take the pressure off […]