Unicorn Bites #508

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial. Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014 Navy recruiter: Any experience at […]

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Unicorn Bites 8/12/14

My recent Google searches: calories burned sitting calories burned chewing gum calories burned vigorously chewing gum pie recipes — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014 2-year-old: *mumbles* Me: What did she say? 4-year-old: She said […]

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Unicorn Bites 8/4/14

Parenthood status: I can no longer distinguish between memories from my own life and scenes from “Frozen.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 4, 2014 I don’t know how you can consider yourself an adult if […]

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Unicorn Bites 7/4/14

[firework goes off] 2-year-old: *screams in terror* Wife: She hates it. Pick her up. Me: I don’t hold communists. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014 Today we’re driving across four states with three kids […]

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Unicorn Bites 5/17/14

If you still think having kids is a good idea, today my 2-year-old threw a fit because her Velcro is too loud. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2014 I stopped caring about fashion when […]

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