The famous Taliban Think Tank ‘Burka- Not Burlesque’ is running into difficulties. They, in order to validify their existence, must come up with new ideas for repressing women or lose what little funding they get already. Since the Americans left as well as most other western, eastern and especially decent entities have already flown away to some place sane, the hard core Islamists have had a hard time coming up with cash, as well as other normally taken for granted things like food, clothing, water, gasoline and soap. At least the air is still free and in abundance, but, if the Taliban can handle it, they will make that in short supply too.
Head Thinker of the Think Tank, the most honorable Must Ova Had A Ceasure spends most of his day in a near coma induced by relentless opium useage is the Chief instigator of new ways of limiting the limitless movements, speech, bodily functions, thoughts, actions, jobs, speaking, listening, eating, bowel moving, jiggling, face making, gesturing of the female population of the country. If they are not working or caring for children in some way they are to be as still as mannequins, which, if you haven’t tried it yourself, is rather difficult to do.
Must Ova last brilliant idea that babies cannot be born naked has been a difficult project to achieve. He decreed that it was offensive and against God’s wishes that children be born naked even though it is God himself who makes babies supposedly. Ova demanded that a woman with really small hands go in a few days before the birth with itsy tiny clothing that can be inserted into the pregnant woman and put on the fetus before it emerges. The clothing itself must be blessed by an Iman and reflect the Afghan culture thus meaning it is made out of wool giving to a rather itchy birth. This was difficult to achieve but then was made even more difficult when Must Ova decided that this work should not go to a woman but to a man with really tiny hands. Some courageous women protested at this only to find themselves locked in a cow stall with only hay to eat until they learned their place in the Taliban society, if you can call it a society. Most pregnant women did not like men fiddling with their innards but could not say anything about it. What made it worse was that the men with little hands they hired seemed to really get off on it. This new law also made the birth itself more difficult as the clothing would often unravel inside before the birth and the kid would get caught up in the threads halfway out.
Another great idea that the Burka, Not Burlesque group came up with was the dictate that women would have to wear blinders like horses had in the old days to keep them from gazing with lust upon men. This was put into law for ALL women which caused neck spasms in the female babies who wore them, so they had to rewrite the law to not include girl babies. Then it was found that gradeschool girls wearing them were walking out in front of cars which was disturbing, even though Afghanistan under Taliban rule only has 34 cars now in the entire country. So it was allowed for school girls not to wear them. Then it was found that old women were walking into things (included walking into men which tended to get them stoned and I don’t mean with pot) so they made a rule that all old women were to be kept shackled inside which solved the problem as far as the Think Tank was concerned.
The next decree- that women had to be fully clothed when making love was met with some dismay by both men and women, although women who were married to much older men or abusive men actually applauded it. It did cause some problems though in that there was an earlier decree that all love making had to be done in a darkened room as well making it often difficult for the men to find what they were groping for. Again, many of the women secretly liked this because their men often gave up in frustration and just went to sleep thereby giving the women extra sleep time too.
Unfortunately all this led to a reduction in the number of births in Afghanistan and the Mullahs were afraid that there wouldn’t be enough Mujahadeen to protect the country from outside infidels. This in turn led to another decree that women could only give birth to male babies. As can be imagined this caused great problems when a girl would be born and the delivery person would try to stuff the kid back inside. An answer was finally found when they would sell the babies to the Chinese who, using ultrasound and aborting so many of their female babies created a shortage of marriageable women in the country (Authors note – this actually really DID happen!) and gladly accepted the girl babies to be adopted in a country that would then impose their own version of restrictions upon them.
Further moments of genius created by the BNB include:
Forbidding women to shower or bath naked.
Making Venetian blind type mouth coverings so that women could wear them while eating.
Not allowing women to run because it exposes their ankles.
Forbidding women to read the Koran because this way it makes it easier for the BNB to make up stuff and say it was ‘written in the Koran’.
Married women have to produce a new baby every six months (the BNB boys are not real good at understanding how birthing works or at counting anything above 5).