If you haven’t heard of The Oogieloves, there’s a good reason: The film had the worst ever box office opening just a couple of weeks ago, making approximately $47 in each theater in which it opened. During its opening three-day weekend, it made a little under $450,000.
Naturally, as a glutton for punishment and lover of all things kitschy and terrible (I own the film Swing Vote), I ventured to see The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure for the final Pittsburgh, Pa., showing.
When my friend and I purchased our tickets, we received complimentary glow-stick wands to supplement our lack of shame.
I found it quite fitting that the showing itself was featured near the exit (if THAT isn’t confidence in a movie).
The plot of The Oogieloves is about as complicated as an episode of “Wishbone.” Suffice it to say, Toofie, Goobie, and Zoozie lose five balloons for a birthday party and have to retrieve them in time for said party. Along the way, they encounter B-list and A-list actors doing a favor for director Matthew Diamond. Christopher Lloyd must have agreed to do the film under two conditions: He has no lines and gets to play the bongos (ahh, the “Matthew McConaughey clause”).
The film is aimed at toddlers, yet is all-together terrifying. Cary Elwes channels Silence of the Lambs‘ Buffalo Bill in one scene that may make you forget that he ever wooed Buttercup in The Princess Bride.
If I had to pick one Oogielove to spit in the face of, it wouldn’t be Toofie, who continually lost his pants like an old man at a wedding on “Funniest Home Videos.” No, it would be Goobie, the pretentious little schmuck who calculated everything for the audience except the exact time they could get up and leave.
I still don’t know what an Oogielove is, but despite the strange cameos, nonsensical talking vacuum, and crimes against goldfish (Ruffy’s bowl NEVER had water in it), I’m kinda Oogie-honored to be one of the few people in the country to see the film. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it more times than any of the actors who appeared in it did.