We all wear masks. Some of us put on the mask of a joker to hide internal turmoil and insecurity. Others put on a mask of nerdiness because it’s easier to disguise you’re stupid by watching a lot of Star Trek instead of reading a goddamn book.
But, as Kierkegaard posited, “a midnight hour comes when everyone has to take of his mask.” But, what if Kierkegaard was wrong? What if the choice of mask itself tells us pretty much everything we need to know?
Halloween is that time of year when everyone chooses a mask instead of the one life dealt us. Here’s what your choice is telling everyone at the party.
Girl Dressed as a Sexy Male Character
Examples: Sexy Robin Hood, Sexy Iron Man
What You Think You’re Saying: “Girls can be nerdy heroes, too, and still maintain their femininity. Also: I am not against the idea of of having sex tonight.”
What You’re Really Saying: “There are not enough easily discernible kick-ass female characters in pop culture, and I am forced to resolve this by dressing up as the sexy, less violent version because it is too cold to walk around barefoot like a Joss Whedon character. Also: I am not against the idea of having sex tonight in a dumpster.”
Girl Dressed as a Sexy Female Character
Examples: Sexy Alice in Wonderland, Sexy Cinderella, Sexy Red Riding Hood
What You Think You’re Saying: “Treat me like a princess, and I will not be against the idea of having sex tonight.”
What You’re Really Saying: “Seriously, the only recognizable female characters that do exist in pop culture are all children, so the only means of dressing like this as an adult is to accentuate the sexual parts of my anatomy. Also: I am not against the idea of having sex tonight with someone who reminds me of my father.”
Examples: Heath Ledger’s Joker, Rorschach
What You Think You’re Saying: “I’ve put a lot of work into recreating a character that everyone liked, which, in turn, means they will finally like me!”
What You’re Really Saying: “If you like serial killer trivia, then you’ll just love my apartment!”
Costume from a Movie that Came Out This Year
Examples: Captain America, Liam Neeson, Liam Neeson with broken glass taped to his hands
What You Think You’re Saying: “Yeah, bro! The Gray was the fuckin’ tits!”
What You’re Really Saying: “If you squint hard enough, I think I look like Jennifer Lawrence.”
Guy’s Costume with Muscle Padding
Examples: Superman, Batman, The Flash
What You Think You’re Saying: “Who doesn’t love Superman?!”
What You’re Really Saying: “I may not work out to fill out my sexy costume, but no fat chicks.”
Examples: Plug and Light Socket, Adam and Eve, Sexy Cop and Robber or Cop and Sexy Robber
What You Think You’re Saying: Her: “Teamwork is the cornerstone of a successful relationship!” Him: “And, the sex has never been better!”
What You’re Really Saying: Her: “Only one of us is creative enough to come up with a costume, and I sure as hell wasn’t coming to this party with ‘Guy Who Doesn’t Really Get Dressing Up For Halloween as an Adult.’” Him: “And, if I’m not getting laid, then she sure as shit ain’t, either.”
Notable Exception: That old-timey two person horse costume. It’s pre-Internet, yet still managed to combine Brazilian fart porn and furries.
Costumes for Baby
Examples: Cute Bunny, Cute Pumpkin, Cute Bag of Money for Your Bank Robber Costume
What You Think You’re Saying: “If loving babies is a crime, than just call me Jerry Sandusky.”
What You’re Really Saying: “My baby isn’t just an accessory for making my Facebook account interesting. It works in real life, too!”
Presidential Candidates/Presidents Currently Embroiled in a Scandal
Examples: Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton
What You Think You’re Saying: I am a well-read connosier of U.S. politics and current events. Also: I am not against the idea of having sex tonight and then loaning you my favorite book in the morning.
What You’re Really Saying: Hey, y’all! Did you know that there’s an election this year? Or that the president is the worst? Also: I’m not against the idea of letting you have sex with me and then hounding you afterwards to read Atlas Shrugged.
Notable Exception: Dressing up as an ex-President specifically to be one of the bank robbers from Point Break.
Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Really Get Dressing Up For Halloween as an Adult’
Example: T-shirt, jeans and a hoodie
What You Think You’re Saying: “Look, I love Halloween. I guess I just don’t really get dressing up for it now that I’m an adult. I’m just a regular, normal guy, y’know?”
What You’re Really Saying: “Do you know how hard I try to not make a bad impression when dressing every morning? And now you just expect me to change it up for one night, and, oh yeah, some dick on a comedy Web site is gonna judge me based on that last minute decis- ci- Oh, no! This might be the real heart attack!”
Girl Who’s Dressed Up Exactly Like How She Normally Dresses
What You Think You’re Saying: “Everyone’s gonna either love my Cayce Pollard costume or feel really stupid when they’re forced to admit that they haven’t read anything by William Gibson.”
What You’re Really Saying: “Did you see the selection of women’s costumes listed above? It was either this or sluttin’ it up. Also: I am not against the idea of getting into a relationship so you can pick our couple’s costume next year.”
Examples: Vampires! Werewolves! Spooky ghosts!
What You Think You’re Saying: “Boo!”
What You’re Really Saying: “I appreciate a genre of stories that are essentially morality plays about punishing promiscuity. Let’s just say the sex will be dynamite, followed by endless guilt.”
Now you play!
Tell me what you plan to dress up as for Halloween in the comments, and I will give you your own, personalized psychoanalysis!
*Rick Snee is not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, psychic friend or even a (diagnosed) psychopath. Any suggestions he makes are purely for entertainment purposes and in the interest of being a catty Internet person.