Get well soon, Ron Jeremy | HumorOutcasts

Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

January 30, 2013
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You’d feel bad if the actor who plays “The Most Interesting Man in the World” was sick. Here’s the real deal.

You’d feel bad if the actor who plays “The Most Interesting Man in the World” was sick. Here’s the real deal.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but an American icon needs our prayers.

Ron Jeremy, star of over 1700 adult films and The Boondock Saints, was hospitalized due to a heart aneurysm.

Why should anyone care about a porn star? Anyone who had a dad in the 80s with a VCR already knows why.

For everyone else, though …

1. C’mon, guy. Nobody’s buying that you don’t watch porn.

Seriously, don’t pretend you don’t know his work. There are only two kinds of men on this planet: those who watch porn, and those who collect women’s heads as trophies.

And if you’re reading this from your trophy room, then we’re not just talking about a porn star here. As already mentioned, Ron Jeremy co-starred in The Boondock Saints, which every male alive from 1999 – 2010 has seen over 3,000 times. He was also in Orgazmo, the greatest movie about the adult movie industry other than Boogie Nights … which he served as an adviser on.

Oh, and he was also in Ghostbusters:

Did Ron’s very presence help the Ghostbusters ultimately defeat Gozer the Destructor? Emphatically, yes.

Did Ron’s very presence help the Ghostbusters ultimately defeat Gozer the Destructor? Emphatically, yes.

Ladies, I know you’ll pass this on because you get little clit boners forwarding stuff about missing children and sick people in hospitals, regardless of your affiliation with Mr. Jeremy.

2. Ron Jeremy is the American Dream personified.

Ron Jeremy isn’t an Arquette or a Paltrow. He wasn’t born into greatness.

Sure, you could argue that he was born with a very large penis, but look at the rest of him. Look, damn you!

That’s a lot of hairy man for even the largest dick to carry. (Source: ronjeremy.com, which is surprisingly SFW)

That’s a lot of hairy man for even the largest dick to carry. (Source: ronjeremy.com, which is surprisingly SFW)

And before he was on the tip of every porn starlets’ tongue, he taught special education classes. That’s right: he wasn’t just a teacher, but arguably the most admirable kind of teacher — the one that works with special needs kids.

And finally …

3. You shut your damn mouth! Ron’s a celebrity. He’s better than you.

Chewbacca, Gary Coleman, and Ron Jeremy — all being better than you. (Source: ronjeremy.com)

Chewbacca, Gary Coleman, and Ron Jeremy — all being better than you. (Source: ronjeremy.com)

And if all of that still isn’t enough to make you care, you heartless monster, Ron Jeremy sucked his own dick. (You can find that footage yourself.) He deserves the same celebration we reserve for Olympians and their feats of strength and agility.

Get well soon, Ron. The world wouldn’t be the same without you.

Rick Snee

Rick Snee writes daily for SeriouslyGuys.com, podcasts with the Blast Shields Down Film Review Society, and makes up for his lack of punctuality with a willingness to go ATM.

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One Response to Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

  1. January 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    I just saw this article. I’m sorry; you seem sincerely distraught Rick! Should we send prayers?



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