In case you doubted my parenting skills, my 1-year-old’s pants are currently being held up by a chip clip. pic.twitter.com/xFg6jymaZn
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2014
3-year-old: Is this a bad time for ice cream?
Then I had to buy her some because there is no bad time for ice cream. She should be a lawyer
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2014
Me: You have cravings, but it’s not like you’d commit murder for a doughnut.
Pregnant wife: What kind of doughnut?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2014
I judge myself by how many celebrities I recognize on magazine covers in the checkout aisle. If it’s zero, I win at life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2014
A hot girl in another car made eye contact with me while I ate animal crackers from my toddler’s bowl. I’m amazed she kept her panties on.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2014