Adulthood status: I know which wine pairs best with a Lunchable.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014
I have two college degrees, but I still have to sing a song in my head to put things in alphabetical order. Money well spent.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014
3 y.o. daughter: I can’t wear that dress
Me: Why?
3: It has pockets
M: Are you being toddler-crazy or girl-crazy? I can only handle one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014
Sorry I didn’t bring a gift to your baby shower, but I refuse to subsidize your terrible decision to reproduce.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014
Me: This is an investment in my future.
Wife: It’s a 5-pound bag of gummy bears.
Me: Future me will be so full 30 seconds from now.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014