I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
Cop chief: Any job experience?
Me: I’ve seen every episode of Scooby-Doo
Him
Me: Even the Scrappy-Doo ones
Him:*makes me head detective*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
Wife: I don’t mean to nag-
Me: Too late
W: I didn’t even-
M: You’re 0 for 2
W: Stop-
M: Strike 3
That’s when she hit me with her car.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
Wife: I bet you want to stare at hot women.
Me: No I’d rather look at you.
W: Want to rephrase that?
M: No. I’ll just plan my funeral.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
If I was a woman, I wouldn’t wear high heels to be sexy. I’d wear them so I could reach stuff. Fuck getting out a step ladder.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014