Author: Rodney Lacroix

Saw a Tootsie Roll in the store and broke down crying. Gary Coleman, you left us too soon.

2 mph over a speed bump? Maybe you should have purchased the “Urban Driving Suspension Package” on your $70,000 Range Rover, you asshole.

I just won $2 on a scratch ticket. If this is the part where they say “the Lord giveth,” I have to say that I’m very disappointed.

I believe the children are the future. The horrible, terrible, future.    

I put the ‘BS’ in ‘Great abs’

“Trust is the cornerstone of every successful relationship.” – text I found while going through my girlfriend’s phone.

I put my symptoms of “constant headache,” “irritability” and “difficulty swallowing” into WebMD and it turns out that I’m a married woman.

Fruit flies are the Ninjas of the insect world: No fruit flies. No fruit flies. No fruit flies. Bought bananas. 400 fruit flies.

Deli lines: because we all have to die somewhere.      

There’s an anti-aging cream made out of foreskin cells. Which explains why my circumcised penis looks like a tiny Jessica Tandy.