Author: Rodney Lacroix

There was a spider on my counter and he was JUMPING AROUND just in case anyone in California wanted to know what the screaming was about.

I have a case of the Mondays because it’s cheaper to buy in bulk.

Asked my son to open a box of tissues. He opened the box FROM THE END. Just one more thing I need to start being more specific about.

Maybe birds don’t suddenly appear because they want to be close to you. Maybe they suddenly appear because you smell like worms.

I carry around my PS3 controller and then whenever anyone pisses me off, I just look at them angrily and rapidly tap ‘X.’

My bologna has a first name. It’s “Steve,” and he’s starting to freak me the Hell out.

I like to call people pretending to sell house alarms. When they say, “I’m all set” I say, “Really? Because I’m calling from your basement.”

An easy way to make your penis look bigger is to rest it on a plate of those little slider hamburgers. Also? Chili’s has no sense of humor.

Something is wrong with my dog. He always pees on his own feet. I mean, I pee on my feet, too, but at least I’m in the shower.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Unless it’s washing your laundry in urine. Then don’t do that.