Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014
The former child star on “Two and a Half Men” said the show made him a paid hypocrite. I’d take that. I’m sick of being a hypocrite for free
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2014
Guy’s Facebook status: She said yes! Me: I take it you finally asked her if she has herpes. There’s another wedding I don’t have to go to.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2014
If you pay me $1, I’ll never talk to you again. *becomes a millionaire in an hour*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2014
My wife is pregnant, so I don’t have to deal with PMS. Instead I get to deal with full-blown crazy every day for ten months.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2014