Watching TV with the Opposite SEX
It’s a relaxing evening at home just right for watching a movie. I sit down with my wife on the loveseat and think how nice this is when our cat jumps up between us and […]
Tag: Unicorn Bites
Unicorn Bites 6/4/14
What my pregnant wife and I brought to the maternity ward: 2 laptops 2 smartphones 1 tablet 0 desire to talk to each other — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 4, 2014 Me: Are you sure […]
Unicorn Bites 5/15/14
“I own a boat.”—people who own boats, in every conversation that has nothing to do with boating — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 15, 2014 “Fuck you. I have a lightsaber.”—the only thing I would ever […]
Unicorn Bites 4/22/14
“Never give up.”–someone who wants you to waste your life at something you’re bad at — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *takes a bath* *spits* Me: Don’t spit in the tub. 3: […]
Unicorn Bites 3/25/14
Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]
Unicorn Bites 3/22/14
Me: Do you want me to put your hair in a bun? 3-year-old: NO! My hair isn’t a hamburger. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014 The former child star on “Two and a […]
Unicorn Bites 3/21/14
“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 3/19/14
Malaysia Airlines is going to be so embarrassed if it had all its planes this whole time and somebody just miscounted. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2014 Some people actually look up to the […]
Unicorn Bites 3/12/14
Boss: Your outfit is inappropriate Me: It’s casual day B: You’re in stormtrooper armor M: Am I overdressed? I have a sleeveless version. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 12, 2014 I admire optimists. It takes […]
Unicorn Bites 2/24/14
Detective: I found the murder weapon. *holds up kindness* Rookie cop: You mean she killed him with… Detective: Yep Rookie: *throws up* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 3-year-old: Do you have a mat […]