Unicorn Bites 2/22/14
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2014 Me: Sex? […]
Tag: Unicorn Bites
Unicorn Bites 2/18/14
Wife: Do you want this piece of cheese? I dropped it Me: Are you seriously offering me food off the floor? W: M: W: M: W: M:*eats it* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 2/12/14
Shirley Temple Black died at 85. The former child star didn’t spend her adult life in the tabloids or rehab. Your move, Lindsay Lohan. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2014 Canadians are the nicest […]
Unicorn Bites 2/11/14
Coworker: Today was perfect. Me: Was everyone in the office but me eaten by lions? Coworker: No. Me: Then there was room for improvement. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014 An Iraqi terrorist in […]
Unicorn Bites 2/9/14
It’s cute how Canada gets to send athletes to the Olympics just like a real country. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2014 The Winter Olympics: The 2 weeks when for some reason I suddenly […]
Unicorn Bites 2/8/14
I already said I was sorry, so I don’t know why you’re still hung up on this. I can’t unburn down your house. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2014 If a girl gets mad […]
Unicorn Bites 2/7/14
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 7, 2014 Justin Bieber smoked […]
Unicorn Bites 2/5/14
Me:*stands on the scale* *steps off* *stands on it again* Wife: Why’d you do that? I can’t tell her, but now I know the weight of a fart — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 2/3/14
Me: *changes 1-year-old’s poopy diaper* Wife: How bad was it? Does she need a new outfit? Me: We need a new house. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 3, 2014 Me: I’m going to turn you […]
Unicorn Bites 2/1/14
My 3-year-old saw a picture of an orangutan and asked if it was a wookie. She lives in a world where Chewbacca is real. Childhood is awesome — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2014 Women […]