Watching TV with the Opposite SEX
It’s a relaxing evening at home just right for watching a movie. I sit down with my wife on the loveseat and think how nice this is when our cat jumps up between us and […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 9/2/14
A woman at work said she believes in biblical marriage, so I bought her from her father for nine goats. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014 My 4-year-old asked what drunk means. I said […]
Unicorn Bites 4/14/14
1-year-old: *walks in with a handful of Pringles* Me: You can’t have those for breakfast. 1: *hands me one* Me: I didn’t see anything. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2014 Me: *walks in the […]
Unicorn Bites 4/10/14
Her: I’m out of your league. Me: By about 20,000 leagues, I’d say. Her: Me: Because you’re a sea monster. Her: Me: READ A FUCKING BOOK — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2014 Me: Do […]
Unicorn Bites 3/16/14
3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out? […]
Unicorn Bites 3/1/14
You’re officially an adult when you realize being honest and being polite are never the same thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2014 Wife: You didn’t notice my haircut Me: You didn’t notice mine […]
Unicorn Bites 2/25/14
Wife: You’re the worst husband ever. Me: This is such an honor. Wife: It’s not a real award. Me: *pulls out acceptance speech* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014 Ladies, your long, pedicured nails […]
Unicorn Bites 2/18/14
Wife: Do you want this piece of cheese? I dropped it Me: Are you seriously offering me food off the floor? W: M: W: M: W: M:*eats it* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 2/17/14
My 1-year-old always uses her middle finger. When she points to food, I don’t know if she means “I’m hungry” or “fuck those green beans.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2014 If someone asks […]
Unicorn Bites 2/16/14
Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker… — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014 My 1-year-old figured […]