Unicorn Bites #556
My 2-year-old just shouted, “What the hell?!” I’d be mad, but she said it when we ran out of Cheez-Its, so it seemed appropriate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2014 4-year-old: Why don’t you […]
Tag: four year olds
Unicorn Bites #544
4-year-old: What’s hope? Me: The first stage of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2014 How women plan a party: 1) Pick a theme 2) Make decorations 3) Cook festive foods How men plan […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/14
My 4-year-old and 2-year-old just clinked their plastic cereal bowls together and said, “Cheers.” My kids are classy as fuck. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 15, 2014 Me: Clean your room. 4-year-old: Me: What’s wrong […]
Unicorn Bites 9/9/14
What was the point in making your car louder, bro? Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2014 Not […]
Unicorn Bites 9/2/14
A woman at work said she believes in biblical marriage, so I bought her from her father for nine goats. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2014 My 4-year-old asked what drunk means. I said […]
Unicorn Bites 8/21/14
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee. Coworker: But you never drink coffee. Me: Exactly. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014 Me: Why don’t you send me birthday cards? Mom: Same reason […]
Unicorn Bites 6/15/14
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2014 4-year-old: Do you want to hear how loud I can […]
Unicorn Bites 6/8/14
Him: Give $1 to save the planet? Me: I’ll give $2 to save 2 planets Him: Me: I pick Venus & Mars Him Me: But not Earth. Fuck that place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June […]
Unicorn Bites 6/2/14
Me: Go to bed 4-year-old: But I have questions! Me: You’re stalling 4: I need to know! Me: What? 4: What if I meet a talking doughnut? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 6/1/14
Wife: Can you kill this spider? Me: Sure. As soon as I get out of the bathroom. *climbs out window* *leaves the country* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014 “I bet it would be […]