Me: Go to bed 4-year-old: But I have questions! Me: You’re stalling 4: I need to know! Me: What? 4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
Me: Where’s your other sock? 4-year-old: A monster ate it. Me: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. *sleeps with the light on*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2014
Showing off your huge biceps is a great way to let the ladies know your offspring will excel at low-paying manual labor.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2014
Bieber apologized for a video of him saying a racist joke. People won’t forgive him until he also apologizes for all the videos of his music
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2014
Wife: Can you do me a favor? Me: Sure. Anything. Wife: Stop being a dick. I knew it would be something impossible.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2014