Unicorn Bites 4/22/14

“Never give up.”–someone who wants you to waste your life at something you’re bad at — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *takes a bath* *spits* Me: Don’t spit in the tub. 3: […]

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Unicorn Bites 4/6/14

My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick […]

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Unicorn Bites 3/25/14

Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]

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Unicorn Bites 12/28/13

Me: I’m a bad boy. Wife: If you mean you’re bad at being a boy, then yes. Me: Wife: What? You have more estrogen than a yogurt commercial — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]

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Unicorn Bites 10/29/13

When I see the frazzled parents of a newborn, I tell them, "Don't worry. It gets easier." Then I laugh maniacally for 20 minutes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2013 Me: "That’s […]

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