Unicorn Bites 8/21/14
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee. Coworker: But you never drink coffee. Me: Exactly. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014 Me: Why don’t you send me birthday cards? Mom: Same reason […]
Tag: co-workers
Unicorn Bites 4/22/14
“Never give up.”–someone who wants you to waste your life at something you’re bad at — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *takes a bath* *spits* Me: Don’t spit in the tub. 3: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/6/14
My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick […]
Unicorn Bites 3/30/14
3-year-old: Daddy Me: 3: Dad Me: 3: Dad! Me: 3: DAD! Me: WHAT?! 3: I love mommy the most. Thanks for the update. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2014 I don’t see why I […]
Unicorn Bites 3/25/14
Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]
Unicorn Bites 12/28/13
Me: I’m a bad boy. Wife: If you mean you’re bad at being a boy, then yes. Me: Wife: What? You have more estrogen than a yogurt commercial — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]
Unicorn Bites 11/2/13
Coworker: I ordered pizzas for the office. Me: I love you like a brother. Him: They’re all vegetarian Me: I hope you die of face herpes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 10/29/13
When I see the frazzled parents of a newborn, I tell them, "Don't worry. It gets easier." Then I laugh maniacally for 20 minutes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2013 Me: "That’s […]
Unicorn Bites 9/14/13
Many seemingly innocent songs have a dark, hidden meaning. For example, the “Hokey Pokey” is basically a tutorial on fisting. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013 A coworker saw me tweeting, so […]
Unicorn Bites 9/13/13
Men have told the history of entire nations in fewer words than it took my wife to explain how she saved 38 cents on a bag of grapes. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]