My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014
3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick with my wife* Will he be eaten at the end? Guess who’s been watching zombie movies with me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014
3-year-old: Ow! It hurts! Me: They’re just hiccups. 3: Am I dying? Probably.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014
Growing up is the process of lowering your expectations until you achieve a tolerable level of disappointment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014
Me: I’m so sorry. Coworker: For what? Me: That science still hasn’t found a cure for your terrible personality. I have people skills.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014