With the annexation of Vatican City by the Trump administration scheduled for next year, Vice President JD Vance announced on Saturday that he will run against Leo XIV for Pope in 2028.
“I had planned on being a candidate for President of the United States in 2028,” said Vance, “but then President Trump indicated that he was going to seek a third term, so I pivoted.
“I know from studying my Baltimore Catechism — I’ve read it twice all the way through — that the current Pope’s understanding of Catholic theology is seriously deficient. For example, take the concept of a ‘just war’. Leo claims that a just war is one that is ethically defensible. NOT TRUE! The phrase ‘just war’ simply means that it’s just a war — that it’s no big deal, morally or otherwise. In other words, don’t get your panties in a bunch over a bit of conflict-related carnage.
“By the way, I have every intention of staying married to Usha after I’m elected Pope. Have you seen her? That woman is a stone fox, or as we like to say where I come from, ‘She’s 17 kinds of fine!’ No way I’m giving her up.”