Washington, D.C. – When D.C. police investigators, the National Park Service, Kash Patel’s FBI, and Ratcliffe’s CIA failed to uncover the vandals who Trump claims created a 350-foot “gash” in the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, Democratic Senator Dick Durbin hired super-sleuth Nancy Drew to solve the mystery.
Durbin said he remembers Drew being a first-rate detective when he was a young boy
“My sister often read Drew’s case files and would talk about her skills,” Durbin told our reporter. “I’ve also contacted Frank and Joe Hardy in case Drew needs backup.”
Nancy has years of experience. She solved her first case in 1930 and made national headlines, which named her a teenage James Bond, minus the British accent and a vodka martini “shaken, not stirred.” Ms. Drew is now 112 years old but doesn’t look a day over eighteen. The biggest mystery surrounding Nancy is who’s doing the nipping and tucking.
When a source reached out to her associates, Bess Marvin and George Fayne, they responded that Nancy doesn’t need any surgeons to lift her perky assets. She has generations of ghostwriters keeping her forever in her teens.
“It seems supernatural to never age,” said Ned Nickerson, Nancy’s long-suffering boyfriend. “I’ve been in college for 94 years and have never been able to grow a full beard. Yet, Nancy and I have never been more on top of our game. So, the pen is mightier than the scalpel.”
Ms. Drew arrived in Washington last week after Trump claimed “Radical Left Vandals” ripped waterproof padding from the bottom of the Reflecting Pool, causing algae to grow and the “beautiful American Flag Blue” paint to peel.
After her initial inspection, Drew said it resembled a giant bowl of split pea soup.
“The pool definitely holds secrets—and an offensive odor,” she said. “A kind of Trumpian smell that permeates Washington.”
Drew spent several evenings wearing wading boots, carrying her trusty magnifying glass and a notebook.
“I’ve been conducting my surveillance at night to avoid being seen by the National Guard and U.S. Park Police, who are patrolling the Reflecting Pool,” Drew reported.
Drew informed Durbin she feels like she’s being followed by a large shadowy figure carrying a box cutter, smelling like a McDonald’s meal deal, and hiding in the trees.
“On my second night of my investigation, I thought I found a huge box turtle sitting at the water’s edge.” Drew said. “Because of its size, it could potentially do some damage to the bottom of the pool. But it turns out it was just Mitch McConnell.”
“So far, the only things Drew has found are lots of algae, peeling paint, dead ducks, and a soggy recipe for Peking duck on stationery with the initials RFK,” Durbin reported to a small committee of unnamed Democrats.
The committee claims to have conclusive evidence that Trump and the contractor John J. Cafaro—who was previously a Dick Tracy villain—are responsible for a no-bid contract costing the taxpayers more than $16 million, resulting in incredibly shoddy workmanship.
Dead ducks were found floating in the Reflecting Pool shortly after hydrogen peroxide was used to tackle the algae. Several wildlife agencies have condemned the Trump administration for the unnecessary use of the peroxide in the pool’s water.
“The peroxide used for killing the algae is the best in the world and entirely safe,” Lame Duck Donald rebutted. “It’s from my own exclusive Trump Peroxide stock that I use on my hair. I only deal in the best chemicals. People are saying it’s the gold standard of peroxides.”
“The only result for the ducks would be beautiful platinum-blonde feathers,” Trump told the press, referring to the cloud of hair that floats over his head.
Reportedly, Drew has measured the water, snorkeled through the murky mess, and still has found no evidence of Trump’s “vandals.” She contacted the Hardy Boys and Scooby-Doo to help secure any concrete clues. However, Joe and Frank Hardy were immediately distracted by lobbyists for Axe Body Spray, and when Scooby arrived, he refused to enter the water after one sniff.
“Ruh-roh” he mumbled, and was out of there.
Drew appeared before Durbin and his committee to render her final conclusion.
“Gentlemen,” she announced, dramatically removing her waders, “it’s hard to solve a case when the people in charge are clueless. The Reflecting Pool is full of algae because algae grows. Just like the orange mold at the White House. Every mystery doesn’t end with a villain—just a highly incompetent president.”
Drew packed up her magnifying glass, and she’s headed toward her next mystery: The Case of the Missing $5 Million for E. Jean Carroll. Drew reports this will likely be her easiest case in ninety-seven years.