Coping with CRAFT Disease | HumorOutcasts

Coping with CRAFT Disease

April 17, 2011
This Debilitating Disease is Extremely Contagious but Rarely Fatal

This Debilitating Disease is Extremely Contagious but Rarely Fatal

As a chronic sufferer of CRAFT disease I can honestly say that it has not been an easy adjustment. At the age forty-five I began developing mild symptoms however by fifty the symptoms worsened. My family tried to help but the disease had become uncontrollable. Craft disease can cause memory loss so severe you may not know what day it is, your children’s ages or names.  Even more upsetting how you and your husband take your coffee.

CRAFT can be contracted by others who may have had contact with a CRAFT sufferer at work or in social settings. This embarrassing disease disables your thought process to the point where all your friends become nameless faces. They may walk up to you at a party and say, “Hello Barbara I heard congratulations are in order!”  Panic sets in you don’t remember her name!  You try to brush it off by saying, “Oh hello DEAR thank you!  My daughter’s doing much better now that the morning sickness has ended.   You realized she was talking about your new job promotion.  Laughing it off the conversation clumsily continues without them realizing you can’t remember her, her husband or even if she is a good friend. You feel a temporary sense of relief, nonetheless, the cold reality is CRAFT disease becomes more and more debilitating every day.

My most recent bout with CRAFT was a humiliating visit to the ATM. I could not remember my pin number. I punched in five different combinations none of which worked, until the machine refused to return my card. I started beating the machine swearing I’d dismantle it and use it for target practice if it didn’t give it back. My entire CRAFT outburst was caught on the ATM camera. A lovely young bank teller came out to comfort me.  “I notice you are having some trouble with the ATM.” I said, “Why, yes I am – can you assist me in getting my %$#@ card out of this @#%$* machine?” She tried to calm me but her condescending attitude just exacerbated my CRAFT symptoms. I became more irritated but could not remember why.  As she escorted me into the bank’s Customer Service area I make a quick mental note of her name badge, Jillee Johnson, Bank Manager. I would attempt to remember it so I could thank her later.  Okay ma’am let me see how we can help you – just a few security questions, what is your mother’s maiden name you’ve listed on your account and what was the name of your first pet? I told her if I could remember all of that I wouldn’t have gotten my *%&$# card stuck in your %@#$ ATM! So stick your security questions where the sun doesn’t shine Miss Jello Jackson!  She offered me a glass of water before she went to the ATM card retrieval services division.  Card in hand and in tears I was totally frustrated that my disease was progressively getting worse.  And there was nothing I could do. However, I did remember to steal all of her M&M’s from her desk candy jar while she was retrieving my card. I haven’t forgotten my love of chocolate!

CRAFT disease or Can’t Remember A Freaking Thing has no annual telethons, no philanthropic donors, or celebrity faces. It’s just a pain in the butt disease we all will contract at one point in our lives. Lately, I have noticed the more I write the worse my symptoms get, in fact by the end of this article I will have forgotten what I was writ . . .

Medical Source Material(s):
The Society for Something or Another
The Physicians Counsel on Severe Stuff and Other Shit

Deb Martin-Webster

After a successful career in Art Administration, at Temple University/Tyler School of Art, Deb has taken on a new challenging career as an aspiring writer. Author of short story A Hot Dog Stand in the Himalayas Deb has written her first novel published by HumorOutcasts Press titled, Love, Montana. A quick read crossing the genres of contemporary western romance and travel adventure with lots of witty humor thrown in the mix. Also check out Deb's popular HO series Friday Humor Devotional. It's prayer with an attitude.

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6 Responses to Coping with CRAFT Disease

  1. Jack Sass
    August 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    HAHAHA!!! Um, why am I laughing???

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      August 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

      I wish I could remember why you’re laughing Jim . . . ???

  2. Mary Oberg
    April 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Thank goodness, it doesn’t happen too often! I guess we all need to stock up on ginko-but will need to be careful to buy the right kind!

  3. April 18, 2011 at 9:52 am

    CRAFT sounds so creative! Since I retired, I am having more and more trouble remembering the names of my former co-workers. When I see them in a restaurant, I consider sneaking past so I don’t have to introduce them to my wife. I think the problem is caused by too many memories crammed into a small space; they are packed so tight, you can’t get them back out!

  4. April 18, 2011 at 7:25 am

    My mother always referred to this disease as CRS (can’t remember sh**), and every time she told me I was suffering from the deadly CRS – for years (yes, YEARS) – I would ask her to remind me again what the acronym stood for. She may have been on to something. I’d like to tell her the disease has a new name now, but a strong possibility exists that between the time I stop typing this comment and the time I pick up the phone to call her, this whole article will completely disappear from my short term memory bank.

  5. April 17, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    It’s time to buy that Gingko Balboa stuff. Wait, I think Balboa is that explorer who discovered the Pacific or is that DeSoto? I can’t remember. Anyway, they make some kind of vitamin for that.

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