A senior living facility called “Symphony Square ” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony, and it’s not particularly square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with an enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”
Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed some nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:
Geezer Glen
Altacocker Acres
Polyp Place
Ferklempt Estates
Coronary Chateau
Memory Loss Manor
Vertigo Village
Disorientation Terrace
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
Altzheimers Acres
End O’ Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Deathview Villas
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor
Demented Gardens
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care
Bedpan Alley
Catheter Flats
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas
Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?
Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!
Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library.)
Maybe it should just be called The Waiting Room …
HA! Good one.
Such depressing names. I’d rather live someplace with an upbeat name, even if it were way off base. Hope Springs? (Eternal?)
Lisa I know from reading your blog that you’re an optimist at heart. And a clever one too.
Yay! But why would an old-timer’s place call itself “Whispering?” How infuriating for the residents. I offer up: We Speak Loudly Lodge.
Makes sense to me.
Well, they’re trying. That’s all I can say in their defense. They’re trying to put lipstick on a pig. but a pig’s a pig, still….
Demented Gardens is my favorite!
Bedpan alley gets my vote.
Very funny! I like “Altzheimers Acres.”
Too funny, but also too close to home…? I’ze rather partial to your “Over The Hill Terrace”.
Did you ever see any of the Britcoms called “Waiting for God” which featured Stephanie Cole and the late Graham Crowden. (Unfortunately has a laugh track) You can probably find the series at your library.
I’ll look for it. Thanks!
Well it’s not great “theater” but amusing in its way. She’s really good.
Brillant, Roz! I could almost handle being sent to an acccurately-named institution. Greybeard’s Gulag? No Exit? (oh, was that taken already?)
Bus still wins though.
Yup. It’s all about the bus.
This is wonderful!
I have always wondered who the heck names these places. We have one here called Autumn Care as though one season is covered but you’re on your own for the other three. I also remember one in my hometown called Jolly Acres. Gag.
Hysterical. Terrible. Hysteribble!
Bwahahahaha! And here’s to busses . . .
Glad you’re amused.
As one who spends WAY too much time in these places, I applaud your naming skills. At least I’d have a good laugh on the way in…..and out, hopefully. BTW, good luck with your aging plan……..may your life be that awesome!
We’ll see. It’s been awesome so far. And so far nobody seems to be offended by this humor piece, which is a plus. You never know.
I think that Olde People’s Warehouse is just way too blunt-catchy but blunt. 🙂