Honest Names For Nursing Homes | HumorOutcasts

Honest Names For Nursing Homes

February 20, 2015

A senior living facility called “Symphony Square ” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony, and it’s not particularly square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with an enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”

Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed some nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen
Altacocker Acres
Polyp Place
Ferklempt Estates
Coronary Chateau

Memory Loss Manor
Vertigo Village
Disorientation Terrace
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
Altzheimers Acres

End O’ Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Deathview Villas
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor

Demented Gardens
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care

Bedpan Alley
Catheter Flats
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas

Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!

Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves:  Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library.)

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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23 Responses to Honest Names For Nursing Homes

  1. February 21, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    Maybe it should just be called The Waiting Room …

    • February 21, 2015 at 9:54 pm

      HA! Good one.

  2. February 21, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    Such depressing names. I’d rather live someplace with an upbeat name, even if it were way off base. Hope Springs? (Eternal?)

    • February 21, 2015 at 5:39 pm

      Lisa I know from reading your blog that you’re an optimist at heart. And a clever one too.

  3. February 21, 2015 at 12:02 pm

    Yay! But why would an old-timer’s place call itself “Whispering?” How infuriating for the residents. I offer up: We Speak Loudly Lodge.

    • February 21, 2015 at 5:39 pm

      Makes sense to me.

  4. February 21, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Well, they’re trying. That’s all I can say in their defense. They’re trying to put lipstick on a pig. but a pig’s a pig, still….

  5. Kelly
    February 21, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Demented Gardens is my favorite!

  6. February 20, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    Bedpan alley gets my vote.

  7. Julie Ostrow
    February 20, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    Very funny! I like “Altzheimers Acres.”

  8. hillsmom
    February 20, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Too funny, but also too close to home…? I’ze rather partial to your “Over The Hill Terrace”.

    Did you ever see any of the Britcoms called “Waiting for God” which featured Stephanie Cole and the late Graham Crowden. (Unfortunately has a laugh track) You can probably find the series at your library.

    • February 20, 2015 at 1:42 pm

      I’ll look for it. Thanks!

      • hillsmom
        February 20, 2015 at 8:04 pm

        Well it’s not great “theater” but amusing in its way. She’s really good.

  9. kate
    February 20, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    Brillant, Roz! I could almost handle being sent to an acccurately-named institution. Greybeard’s Gulag? No Exit? (oh, was that taken already?)
    Bus still wins though.

    • Mister Wonderful
      February 21, 2015 at 9:34 am

      Yup. It’s all about the bus.

  10. Mister Wonderful
    February 20, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    This is wonderful!

  11. February 20, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    I have always wondered who the heck names these places. We have one here called Autumn Care as though one season is covered but you’re on your own for the other three. I also remember one in my hometown called Jolly Acres. Gag.

  12. February 20, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    Hysterical. Terrible. Hysteribble!

  13. February 20, 2015 at 11:53 am

    Bwahahahaha! And here’s to busses . . .

    • February 20, 2015 at 1:42 pm

      Glad you’re amused.

  14. February 20, 2015 at 11:34 am

    As one who spends WAY too much time in these places, I applaud your naming skills. At least I’d have a good laugh on the way in…..and out, hopefully. BTW, good luck with your aging plan……..may your life be that awesome!

    • February 20, 2015 at 1:43 pm

      We’ll see. It’s been awesome so far. And so far nobody seems to be offended by this humor piece, which is a plus. You never know.

  15. February 20, 2015 at 11:13 am

    I think that Olde People’s Warehouse is just way too blunt-catchy but blunt. 🙂

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