Honest Names For Nursing Homes

By: Larry Jacobsen

A senior living facility called “Symphony Square ” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony, and it’s not particularly square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with an enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”

Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed some nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen
Altacocker Acres
Polyp Place
Ferklempt Estates
Coronary Chateau

Memory Loss Manor
Vertigo Village
Disorientation Terrace
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
Altzheimers Acres

End O’ Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Deathview Villas
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor

Demented Gardens
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care

Bedpan Alley
Catheter Flats
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas

Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!

Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves:  Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library.)

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23 thoughts on “Honest Names For Nursing Homes”

  1. Too funny, but also too close to home…? I’ze rather partial to your “Over The Hill Terrace”.

    Did you ever see any of the Britcoms called “Waiting for God” which featured Stephanie Cole and the late Graham Crowden. (Unfortunately has a laugh track) You can probably find the series at your library.

  2. Brillant, Roz! I could almost handle being sent to an acccurately-named institution. Greybeard’s Gulag? No Exit? (oh, was that taken already?)
    Bus still wins though.

  3. I have always wondered who the heck names these places. We have one here called Autumn Care as though one season is covered but you’re on your own for the other three. I also remember one in my hometown called Jolly Acres. Gag.

  4. As one who spends WAY too much time in these places, I applaud your naming skills. At least I’d have a good laugh on the way in…..and out, hopefully. BTW, good luck with your aging plan……..may your life be that awesome!

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