Many seemingly innocent songs have a dark, hidden meaning. For example, the “Hokey Pokey” is basically a tutorial on fisting.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013
A coworker saw me tweeting, so I panicked and said I was actually writing poetry. Now she wants to hear a poem. What rhymes with “vagina?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013
Interviewer: “Any felonies?”
Me: “Recently or ever?”
Him:
Me: “Sorry, stupid question. It’s yes for both.”
I’ve got that job in the bag.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013
I miss a lot of important events in my life because I’m staring at my phone. I have no regrets about this tradeoff.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013
Fancy restaurants offer silent dinners in which talking is forbidden. Some people pay a lot of money to simulate mealtime in a bad marriage.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013