Unicorn Bites #558
I asked my 4-year-old to draw a chicken. She drew four nuggets and a bottle of ketchup. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2014 Me: I did the dishes. Wife: You put one cup in […]
Tag: daycare
Unicorn Bites #545
Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look […]
Unicorn Bites #508
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial. Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014 Navy recruiter: Any experience at […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/14
My 4-year-old and 2-year-old just clinked their plastic cereal bowls together and said, “Cheers.” My kids are classy as fuck. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 15, 2014 Me: Clean your room. 4-year-old: Me: What’s wrong […]
Unicorn Bites 8/15/14
Me: In conclusion dinosaur tails prevented doggy style so T. rex had to do it missionary Him: Sir, place your order or leave the drive thru — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014 Me: If […]
Unicorn Bites 5/21/14
Daycare lady: Your 4-year-old pretended to be a Jedi and attacked a kid. Right answer: It won’t happen again. What I said: Was he a Sith? — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014 My wife […]
Unicorn Bites 5/19/14
Introverts want to be away from people. Extroverts want to be around them. Perverts want to be inside them. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2014 Daycare lady: Your 2-year-old head-butted another kid over a snack. […]
Unicorn Bites 5/9/14
Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014 My […]
Unicorn Bites 5/8/14
Priest: Do you take her until death do you part? Me: Unless she poops with the door open Priest: Me Priest: Me: Priest: Well obviously — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014 Me: You look […]
Unicorn Bites 5/7/14
Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” taught kids it’s OK to kill two women as long as they’re ugly and no one likes them. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014 I ate a whole […]