Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014
My 1-year-old daughter demanded to wear socks with sandals to daycare. Apparently I’m raising a 45-year-old man.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014
Apparently my wife only thinks homemade gifts are sweet if they come from our kids. I made these macaroni sex coupons for nothing.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014
3-year-old:*sees water on my pants* Did you pee yourself? Me: It’s water from the sink 3: M: 3: It’s OK. Sometimes I have accidents, too
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014
Me: *calls* I can’t go to work. My weather app is down, so I don’t know if I need a jacket. Boss: Step outside & see I guess this is 1822.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014