Me: In conclusion dinosaur tails prevented doggy style so T. rex had to do it missionary Him: Sir, place your order or leave the drive thru
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014
Me: If there were a fire, who would you save? 4-year-old: Mommy. Me: Anyone else? 4: Maybe the dog.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014
4-year-old: *holds up plastic bat* Can I take this to daycare? Me: Why? 4: There might be pirates. You can never be too careful.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014
My boss said I’ve never made a difference. I guess he forgot I’m the reason the employee handbook now bans medieval armor at work.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014
Wife: There’s too much to do. I wish there were two of me. Me: Me, too. *winks* Wife: I’d have twice as much time to not fuck you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2014