My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial. Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
Navy recruiter: Any experience at sea? Me: I won three games of Battleship. Him: Me: In a row. Him: *makes me an admiral*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
I wish daycare would stop telling my girls they can grow up to be anything they want. They currently want to be a mermaid and a fire truck.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2014
Wife: Let’s enroll our daughter in ballet classes. Me: Never Wife: It’ll make her better at dodging zombies. Fuck. She knows my weakness.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
Me: No, I don’t ignore real life to play with my phone. Wife: Then tell me what song our kids were just singing. Me: We have kids?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/23/14: pic.twitter.com/DDROoiEJGy
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 16, 2014
For the first time, I sort of feel badly for the pope. No one will go to his party?