A North Korean Cheerleader’s Diary

Twenty-one North Korean cheerleaders have been sent to prison for talking about what they saw on a trip to South Korea.

                                                         Associated Press.

Dear Diary–

I cannot believe I’m grounded! I had so much fun in South Korea and made many new friends–what is wrong with that? We taught the Southern girls some of our favorite cheers, like “R-E-P-R-E-S-S (clap, clap–clap, clap, clap) That’s the way we spell REPRESS!” I know we are supposed to treat opposing cheerleaders as enemies, but they were really nice! They tossed their little terrier mascot up in the air with a blanket and when he missed on the way down and died, they had a barbecue and shared him with us!

“Who’s for dinner?”

 

Eww–there’s an icky spider coming my way–G2G!

 

Diary–

They say they might let us out in a couple years if we promise to never, ever tell anyone what we saw in South Korea. No problem for me, but what about Little Miss Blabbermouth, Hwang Jang-yop? I told her I had a crush on a cute boy I saw in the stands in Pyeongchang, and she goes and tells the National Intelligence Service! Now I have to carry water back from a stream in a double-bucket yoke for the whole prison due to the lack of modern plumbing facilties! It like totally sucks!

DD–

It’s been four months now. Tryouts for next year’s cheerleader squad are in April–how am I supposed to practice my cartwheels when I can’t even stand up in my cell? We have to write an essay today if we want to eat. Subject: “Maximum Leader Kim Jong-un is the Greatest Athlete the World Has Ever Known: Discuss.” I’m better at “Compare and Contrast” assignments, but I guess there’s just no comparison when it comes to the Sun of the Nation and Mankind! (Hope the prison guards can read my handwriting.)

Diary–

I am so excited! My cellmate died–now I can stretch my legs! She was starting to get on my nerves anyway.  Always yapping about the immortal exploits of Kim Jong-un, how he could crush South Korea blindfolded and with one hand tied behind his back, yadda-yadda-yadda. Fat lot of good it did her. She was doing time for being insufficiently enthusiastic about the new hydroelectric dam on the Yalu River. I know it’s one of my favorite public works project leading to the glorious victory of the people of North Korea over their oppressors, but the light-water nuclear reactor in Pyongyang is cute too!

 

Dear Diary–

Well, we’re finally getting out of this clean, modern, well-lighted incarceration facility where the food has been excellent! I walk with a slight stoop now, but that is nothing compared to the hardships suffered by our soldiers in defeating the capitalist oppressors in what the running-dog lackeys of history refer to euphemistically as the Korean “Conflict.” “Conflict” my pom-pom–it was war and we won! (If that sounds like something a stupid pep squad girl would say to make friends with a popular cheerleader like me–I’ve learned how to play the game.)

I may have lost my high school eligibility–can you still be a cheerleader when you’re 65?

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Viva North Korea!”