Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014
Me: That shirt makes you look skinny. Wife: Are you saying I’m not actually skinny? Me: *hits eject button* *parachutes to safety*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014
I accidentally listened to a Taylor Swift song and now I’m walking a cat on a leash.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014
Me: Over millions of years, dinosaurs changed into birds. 4-year-old: Can they change back? Me: Now I’m terrified of chickens.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014
Me: Mind if I have an Irish coffee? Wife: As long as you don’t get drunk. Me: *adds one drop of coffee to the whiskey bottle*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/6/14: pic.twitter.com/tV3ik04wF6
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 22, 2014