Unicorn Bites 5/2/14
My wife’s disappointed sighs are so loud I can hear them through this text message. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014 3-year-old daughter: Why do you sound like a boy? Me: Because I am […]
Tag: daycare
Unicorn Bites 4/19/14
Me: I won the donut-eating contest Boss: It wasn’t a contest. It was just a box of donuts. For everyone. And you ate them all Me: Loser — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014 Wife: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/16/14
When a woman says, “I hope we can still be friends,” what she means is “If I see you on the sidewalk, I’ll hit you with my car.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 3/21/14
“Grease” is so fake. I’ll go along with a 24-year-old John Travolta being in high school, but I refuse to believe he wanted to bang a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 21, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 2/26/14
Me: How was daycare? 3-year-old daughter: My friend pooped his pants on purpose. I like him. Girls always go for the bad boys. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 26, 2014 Wife: It’s unrealistic how Pokemon […]
Unicorn Bites 2/11/14
Coworker: Today was perfect. Me: Was everyone in the office but me eaten by lions? Coworker: No. Me: Then there was room for improvement. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2014 An Iraqi terrorist in […]
Unicorn Bites 1/16/14
When I picked up my 3-year-old daughter from daycare, a little boy said, “She’s my girlfriend.” It was cute, but I still maced him. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014 My goal in life […]
Unicorn Bites 12/21/13
Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013 Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies […]
Unicorn Bites 10/26/13
When an apple fell on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, I doubt he really said, “Aha, gravity.” What he really said was probably, “Fuck apples.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2013 Daycare lady: […]
Unicorn Bites 9/10/13
When I tell my wife, “I’m going to take you out,” she never knows if I mean, “on a date” or “with a sniper rifle.” I keep her on her toes. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]