When I picked up my 3-year-old daughter from daycare, a little boy said, “She’s my girlfriend.” It was cute, but I still maced him.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014
My goal in life is to find two guys in a knife fight and defuse the situation with a Michael Jackson song. So far I’ve been stabbed 87 times
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014
Him: She’s hot Me: Yeah she’s at least a 680 H: I guess most guys don’t rate women by their credit scores. Have fun marrying into poverty
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014
Me: I can’t sleep. Can you help me? *winks* Wife: If you’re up, there’s laundry to fold. Me: *immediately falls asleep* She’s good.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014
The main reason I won’t fuck a blowup doll is I’m afraid afterward I’d get a boner every time I saw a rubber raft or an inflatable alligator
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2014
LMFAO!! It’s better to be safe.