My wife’s disappointed sighs are so loud I can hear them through this text message.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014
3-year-old daughter: Why do you sound like a boy? Me: Because I am a boy. 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: Really? I’m quite the male role model.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014
In a weak moment, I almost had faith in humanity, but then I read the comments section on YouTube and I was back to normal.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014
Protip: Coworkers will assume you have urgent business and leave you alone if you carry around a roll of toilet paper.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2014