Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the James Webb Telescope, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
James Webb Telescope to uncover mysteries of Sedna farthest dwarf planet
I believe it prefers being called a ‘Little People Planet.’
Mentalist Oz Pearlman recounts WHCD shooting: ‘Oh no, are we about to die?’
What kinda shitty mentalist even asks that question?
Idaho banned Pride flags
Next up, banning donning that gay apparel over the holidays.
Americans say Obama better suited to handle alien invasion than Trump
… Got to be his Spock ears.
US supreme court weighs blocking lawsuits against Roundup makers alleging weedkiller causes cancer
So, Roundup the usual suspects and set them free.
FBI Director Kash Patel files new $250 million lawsuit.
During depositions, look for him to plead the fifth … of tequila
Male porn stars make around $40,000 a year, female porn stars make up to $250,000 a year’
… Proving sometimes it’s better getting the shaft.
Sean Hannity incredibly blames Mamdani for NY Mets woes
Clearly, Sean does not know the difference between the state controlling means of production’ and ‘means of run production.’
Michy Shatta, whose saggy boobs caused a stir on red carpet claps back at trolls
… No word if it was during SAG Awards
Happy National Sibling Day
You can also celebrate if you’re an only child with multiple personality disorder.
Florida man in socks and sandals scoops alligator with recycling cart
… Why the alligator was recycling remains unknown.
Pray with me please’: Pete Hegseth reads fake bible quote from ‘Pulp Fiction’ during Pentagon prayer service
The word “Motherf**ker “should’ve been the giveaway
Kris Jenner’s facelift is apparently now “slipping”
… I bet she gets the gravity of the situation …