Daycare lady: Your 4-year-old pretended to be a Jedi and attacked a kid. Right answer: It won’t happen again. What I said: Was he a Sith?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014
My wife told me to dress to impress, but then she yelled at me for wearing a cape. She needs to make up her mind.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014
Times when a man thinks about your boobs: 1) when he can see them 2) when he can’t
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014
My day doesn’t officially start until I open my eyes, so I keep them closed as long as possible. The drive to work was a challenge.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014
Protip: No matter how badass you look, you can’t join the Hells Angels on a Segway.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2014
