ELK GROVE, Illinois. With enthusiasm for soccer running at all-time highs due to the successful completion of the 2026 World Cup matches played in the U.S. this summer, pediatricians hope to capitalize on the surge in public acceptance by pushing for reforms they say will make the game more popular than American football. “Lots of players in high school, college, the pros and even Pop Warner end up paralyzed,” says Dr. Morton, who leads a movement to promote “the beautiful game” over the first-down-and-ten variety played here. “I never made the football team,” he adds bitterly, “and some lunkhead who couldn’t spell ‘cat’ unless you gave him a hint got the head cheerleader.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics accordingly has recommended that all soccer players under the age of 24 wear helmets while playing or practicing to avoid injuries from “headers,” the practice of hitting an airborne ball with one’s head in order to pass or score such as that by Norwegian striker Erling Haaland with apparent nonchalance in a Round of 16 match with Brazil.
“We stopped short of recommending air bags, but we couldn’t overlook the fact that hitting a soccer ball with your head produces an impact nearly twice as powerful as a collision between football players,” said AAP Executive Director Neil Michaels. “It’s a 50g force, which can cause long-term neurologic damage.”
“We don’t want to grow up to be as dumb as you, coach!”
The group also recommended that soccer players be allowed to pick up the ball and run with it, and to pass it forward to other players. “Once the kids have helmets on, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have some fun,” noted Michaels. “Kids try headers because they get bored poking a ball around with their feet. Soccer’s too much like work.”
The President’s Council on Youth Fitness supported the pediatricians’ recommendations. “Soccer is responsible for more third world deaths than malaria,” noted Fritz Wilson, Chairman of that bi-partisan body. “You don’t see people getting killed after championship games in America, except major cities such as Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angeles and New York. Wait–I forgot Miami.”
Wilson said he would support federal legislation to convert soccer “goals” into “touchdowns” worth six points, with a “free kick” afterwards worth an “extra point.” “Let’s face it,” he said, “soccer’s biggest problem is low scores, not a couple of kids with concussions.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “This Just In–From Gerbil Sports Network.”