I wrote this 20 years ago, and was curious about how the subject held up. Although I made some changes, it still seems awfully familiar these days.
My oldest daughter is normally a calm person, but sometimes she can be very stubborn. No idea where she gets it from.
After a few odd decades (some very odd) of slamming into various brick walls, mostly metaphoric, I’m accepting of foul-ups, especially mechanical or electronic. My laptop hinge breaks, I hook it up to a monitor — now I’ve got a desktop computer. That’s just the way it goes. My lawn mower explodes? I get another mower, and write a blog or five about it.
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| The first car in Albion, Indiana had no electronics. It also had no cup holder, but nothing’s perfect. |
Our new laptop came with wireless internet (remember, this was two decades ago). I had this fantasy of sitting on my front porch, answering e-mails and enjoying the mild weather (assuming we ever get some).
Now I had a computer that could actually go wireless, and … it didn’t work.
It detected the signal, but wouldn’t connect. There was some button pushing and cursing (by me, not the computer), both unproductive. Then I shrugged in that fatalistic way I have, plugged it into an Ethernet cable, and away we went at high speed. No big deal.
Until my oldest asked to borrow the laptop. She took it to her apartment, where she has the same modem brand I do, and was able to get it online wirelessly. Excited, she brought it to my place and to show me how to work it.
Which produced nothing.
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| “Can you fly this laptop, and land it?” |
I was prepared to let the whole thing go and try another day, which would probably have been never. If I can’t stop the leak from my bathtub faucet, how can I can make an electronic brain that’s smarter than me do what I want?
But boy, do I have a stubborn daughter. She wanted to call – wait for it – tech support.
I tried to explain that asking tech support for help is like asking Russia to respect your borders, but she’d hear none of it. Against my better judgment, I let her make the call. In no time, a customer in Indiana was talking to a technician in India. Me being a supportive dad (plus it’s my computer she was trying to fix), I stayed with her, instead of getting my work done on Old Reliable, my ancient Mac.
For an hour and a half, I stayed with her.
I know lots of people in lots of countries. Most of them are smarter than me. Now I know a lady in India who isn’t. For instance, when my daughter explained that we can’t get a wireless connection, she suggested hooking up the Ethernet cable.
Excuse me? Can you say “Wireless”?
Charis and this lady went around about whether it was the way the computer was set up. We’d had it online at three other places, by then. In fact, it was almost Mac-like in its simplicity; only at my home did it act all Windowsy. (Leave me alone, I can make up a word if I want to.)
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| The Albion, Indiana Phone Company never went wireless. But they did go out of business. |
Finally the lady asked to be authorized to control my computer. Those of you who don’t worry about viruses and spyware should take note of this: A brain-dead tech support person proceeded to take over from India. We sat there, watching the mouse move around by itself, opening and closing windows, typing in instructions, ordering Thai food. From India.
The lady couldn’t figure out how to get me a wireless connection from ten friggin’ feet away. She kept trying the same thing, over and over, expecting different results, which as we all know is the legal definition of insanity.
All the while she lectured us about how the wireless card has to be turned on, or how we might not have the right software. An increasingly frustrated Charis kept explaining to her that the SAME COMPUTER went online just fine, using the SAME MODEM, at her place.
My other daughter and I started to back away.
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| On occasion we’ve had to clean dog hair out of our laptops. |
Soon we realized the lady was actually into DOS, the computer’s holiest of holies inner control, typing in funky commands like “BOOTC://SCRWDUP”. I expected the laptop to spin around and spit pea soup at me.
It was all over when Charis demanded to speak to Bill Gates.
I saved a lot of money that night, heating the house from steam coming out of my daughter’s ears. But the good news is, our laptop can now go online wirelessly, anywhere it can detect a signal.
Except my house.