Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” taught kids it’s OK to kill two women as long as they’re ugly and no one likes them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014
I ate a whole pizza by myself, so I get it, snake that ate an alligator and exploded. I get it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014
3-year-old: A kid at daycare puked. Me: That’s not appropriate talk for the dinner table. 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: It looked like popcorn.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014
Pregnant Wife: Am I fat? Me: Not at all. Wife: Don’t patronize me. Me: Fine, you’re big. Wife: HOW DARE YOU?! Pregnancy is scary.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014
I got married AND had kids on purpose, so I’m pretty sure I can get out of any crime with the insanity defense.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014