Wife: Can you kill this spider? Me: Sure. As soon as I get out of the bathroom. *climbs out window* *leaves the country*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014
“I bet it would be fun to have a miniature person who second guesses every decision we ever make.”–people who have kids on purpose
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014
4-year-old: Don’t walk next to me. Me: Why? 4: What if you break the floor? Apparently it’s diet time.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014
How men organize clothes: If the clothes are dirty, they go on the pile. If they’re clean, they go on the pile, too.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014
Me: When you’re older, the tooth fairy will come 4-year-old: No! I don’t want her to turn me into a tooth. I just saved a ton of quarters.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014