Unicorn Bites 9/23/13
Friend: “I got a promotion & I’m having a baby” Me:“I put a bottle opener on my keychain. I guess there’s a lot going on in both our lives” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]
Tag: xploding unicorn
Unicorn Bites 9/22/13
My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September […]
Unicorn Bites 9/21/13
Marriage: because it’s too much work to ruin your life all by yourself — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2013 I never run from my problems. I drive away from them because fuck […]
Unicorn Bites 9/19/13
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2013 Coworker: “I’m a Vikings […]
Unicorn Bites 9/15/13
My 1 y.o. threw a fit in front of the fridge. I nudged her aside w/ my foot so I could get a beer. That concludes my parenting for the day. — James Breakwell, Exploding […]
Unicorn Bites 9/14/13
Many seemingly innocent songs have a dark, hidden meaning. For example, the “Hokey Pokey” is basically a tutorial on fisting. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2013 A coworker saw me tweeting, so […]
Unicorn Bites 9/12/13
A group of wolves is called a pack. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of skanks is called a sorority. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 12, 2013 Wife: What’re […]
Unicorn Bites 9/7/13
My wife isn’t ashamed to admit she’s married. She just pretends it’s to someone else. Her parents still think I’m her gardener. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2013 A female coworker with […]
Unicorn Bites 9/6/13
My wife accused me of doing nothing all day. It’s like she thinks all of these empty beer cans drank themselves. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013 You’re the most likely to […]
Unicorn Bites 8/28/13
You call that quitting? You didn’t even light anything on fire. The last time I quit a job, you could see the aftermath on Google Earth. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2013 […]