My 1-year-old sat on my lap and said, “Bye.” I think she’s planning to kill me. The worst part is she’ll still be adorable while she does it
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2013
I’d take a bullet for you. Not one fired out of a gun, of course, but I’d take one from a box in the store and give it to you, I guess.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2013
Me: What sound does a horse make?
1 y.o.: Roar!
Me: What about a pig?
1: Roar!
Her world is a scary place. No wonder she cries so much.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2013
My 3-year-old proudly declared, "I’m peeing in my swimsuit!"
I wouldn’t have minded if she was in the pool. Too bad she was in the kitchen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2013
My wife doesn’t appreciate my culinary skills. It’s like she thinks these hot dogs microwaved themselves.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2013