Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Halloween and clocks falling back safety concerns, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Halloween and clocks falling back brought safety concerns, officials say
That’s why I spent Halloween dressed as a Congressional Bill so I never had to leave the house.
Did the U.S. Military employ Surface to Air Missiles at Mar-a-Lago?
Well, THAT Kimberly Guilfoyle is pretty sneaky!
Man mugged as he exits Starbucks
The real news is that he had any money left.
Confused Trump gets his own general’s gender wrong: ‘She’s got problems’
Maybe, he went to visit a High School, went in a “he,” and came out a “she” …. Happens a lot, I hear.
Genetically modified babies will graduate high school this year
Instead of SATs, they’re taking their GMOs.
Miley Cyrus says she’s pansexual
While Bobby Flay is frying pansexual.
The Brewers win. The Brewers Win!
Although, Tampa Bay hasn’t conceded they believe they only need to find a few more runs.
A happy 80th birthday, Pat Sajak
Be careful out there; we don’t want you hosting ‘Wheelchair of Fortune.’
7 celebrity couples who met in middle school
These days we can only hope they were both in middle school at the same time.
Inexperienced nudist acquitted of indecent exposure charges
For his sake, I hope it wasn’t for insufficient evidence.
Report finds ‘no records’ for Vivek Ramaswamy’s ‘nationally ranked’ tennis claim
Everything this guy does is a racket.
Sir Patrick Stewart gone at 86
This year’s Oscar In Memoriam’s gonna need its own damn night!
In Scotland it’s illegal to ride a cow drunk
Dad joke alert: that sounds like a bunch of bull.
Ken Paxton rally fails to fill up hotel sports bar
On the upside, dozens of chickens were spared when their wings weren’t needed.
Obama approval hits new highs
Donald, finally something for you to take actual credit for!